三十岁的我对于迷茫,失落,自卑等有过无数次地深感。每当这种感觉来领的时候,自己仿佛丢失了什么。又或许是我一直在寻找自己从来没拥有过的东西。人活着到底为了什么?每天早上起床,上下班,吃饭,回家,休息,睡觉,在重复。有时候我会跟自己说,可能生活太routined了,是不是应该去找些什么乐趣之类,又或许应该去找个伴什么的, 一个能懂我,我也懂他这么的一个人。

每当看到朋友们在事业上有一定的成就,有自己的家庭生活和小孩时,心里也会想要自己的一个家和家人。但我始终都没办法鼓起足够勇气去想象这个事情的可能性。心里头有许多惧怕,怀疑和不肯定,不肯定自己是不是适合婚姻。

现在的我正在听着黄小琥的没那么简单。很多时候别人都问为什么到这把年纪还没结婚,一定是因为我太挑剔了。其实是真的没那么简单。不是说要立刻就会有。加上自己心里面的不一定就更加不容易了。

macbook

I just got myself a Macbook last night, finally, yes finally. This is the second notebook in my life, haven’t had my own computer for years now (gave my old NEC to a cousin)

People wondered how I survive without a computer of my own. I told them, “I could do almost everything I needed to do with a smartphone”. Of course, there were days when I really needed to use a computer, often I brought my work laptop home.

Whenever I think of myself working in the IT and own the least gadget among my circles, I too wonder how did I live like that, for years haha. When I was in uni, I always have the thought of owning a Mac, but due to its price, I talked myself out of it every single time. Now is an opportune time to come up with an entry, just something to be remembered in the future 🙂

if I were born here

I was having a conversation with two Singaporean colleagues; quite obviously they are pro opposition. One was vocal and enthusiastic on the topic of government, while the other suggest him to stop so as not poison me with his ideology of an ideal government; to which I unhesitatingly replied “I won’t be influenced with your political view”. With that, they kind of read that I am pro government. I told them, you can say what you say because you haven’t see what the world outside (of Singapore) is like.

Later today I was having late dinner at People’s Park Complex, after meeting my dad. To my surprise, I found myself listening to a group of senior folks talking  (in Teochew) about the same topic of the Lee family, I always thought that it is the younger generation who are not so in tune with the governmet, but here are the senior generations who saw how Singapore has transformed from third to first world country, singing to the same tunes as the youngsters. They even argue about the prominent success Singapore has isn’t even Lee Kuan Yew’s idea; i.e. the CPF system was already in place during the British Colony’s era, perhaps life could have been better if British still rule Singapore til this day and about the water that they drink is the result of PUB engineers, it has nothing to do with the Lees.  I was reminded of the statement I made to my colleagues earlier today,  I wish I could tell them the same.

Having came from a thirld world country and travelled to different parts of the world, I still think Singapore is a nice place to be. If I were born here, I wonder if I would have an entirely different appreciation of what Singapore once was and now is, just like my colleagues and the senior folks. I hope I won’t.

Happy Birthday Odeas!

IMG_5398

You are who you are for a reason
You’re part of an intricate plan
You’re a precious & perfect unique design
Called God’s special woman

You look like you look for a reason
Our God made no mistake
He knot you together within the womb
You’re just what He wanted to make

The parents you had were the ones He chose
And no matter how you may feel
They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind
And they bear the Master’s seal

No, that trauma you faced was not easy
And God wept that it hurt you so
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you’d grow

You are who you are for a reason
You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod
You are who you are, beloved
Because there is a God!

6 years, miss you still Mom…

  
六年前的今天妳离开了,心里的舍不得无法通过言语去表达。那天以后,我曾在想也许时间会让我们慢慢地接受这个接受不了的事实。六年后的今天,那份思念的心从没减少过。

-依然想妳的女儿

6 years ago this day, you bade goodbye. letting go was way beyond difficult. I once thought that perhaps time would eventually make us accept this reality. 6 years has passed, you are still in our hearts and thoughts, never did we miss you any lesser.

-your daughter
#simciaonyimamak

another random dream

This morning I woke up with a dream of an empty wooden summer house on the water, the interior walls are dominated by bluish colour, with very little furniture or almost none. 
In the dream, there were two friends who came to visit me. When the first one she arrived, I received her with much gladness as I have been expecting her, it was a long planned meeting. On the contrary when the other one arrived, I find it incovenient for her to come without prior notice, because clearly I was having a guess with me (in the dream) 
The second friend was wearing whitey-creamy cheongsam with strong red & blue flowers motives and she evern wore make-up too (she normally doesn’t, in real life) I couldn’t remember what I told her exactly, but I wanted her to come back some other day, with heavy heart because I could sense that she came to look for me because she wanted to have a break from the baby, her new born.
I continued to talk with the first friend, she was telling me about her experiences in life and what she has learnt out of it all. One line which I could remember quite clearly (probably what woke me up) was “God gives youth to everyone, what we need to do with it, is to cherish it while you still can”
Towards the end of my dream, I realized that these two friends were my high school classmates, Yanita and Lifah.

#anotherrandomdream